Friday 27 April 2007

EXCLUSIVE! Masons’ Latest Paraphernalia Includes Toilet Roll

The Masons Arms,
Banbury Road,
Chipping Norton.
United Kingdom

Where is it?

Very easy this one. As soon as you’ve entered the premises go left. There are two doors with Greco-Romanesque tablets on them. The one stright in front is the ladies and the one to the right is for the men.

What’s it like?

The pub is renowned for its good food and has a friendly and inviting atmosphere. The décor is a cross between New England minimalism and a cosy front room. It is basically a nice place to be.

The toilet in this place is disturbing. It’s not that it is dirty in anyway, or horrendously decorated. Although efforts to make the toilet more inviting seem to be limited to the inclusion of a plant in front of the mirror – a plant so tiny you dare not sneeze at it in case it blows away – it is functional enough and is passable at the very least. No, what is unnerving about this place is the inclusion of stray toilet roll. Yes you can see it sitting there on top of the toilet cistern. What is it waiting for? It is ominous and creepy lurking there. Is it waiting to ambush you?

But my toilet loving friends on this visit to the loo I think I worked it out! It is the name of the pub that made it clear to me. It has to be a Masons thing. When they enter another lodge member’s establishment and frequent the toilet they have to wrap the end of the toilet roll twice around their head and throw it over their left shoulder. For the more agile I should imagine they have to hop on their left leg when doing this. What purpose does this serve? Well first it limits their use of the toilet paper. They are only allowed to use the length from their head to where the toilet roll lands. It’s a form of rationing if you like. Second, it lets the other members of the lodge know a fellow mason has visited them. It’s about as inconspicuous calling card as you can get!

Marks out of 10:

5 given the unnerving associations with a secret sect.

Comments to the management:

Are you hopping mad?

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